Visit Skyrim...and let Skyrim visit you.
The northern lands of Tamriel, known collectively as Skyrim, are beautiful. From rolling hills to towering mountains, lush forests, to rippling plains, lazy rivers to roaring waterfalls, everyone finds their own heaven-on-Nirn somewhere in this stunning, diverse nation.
Except for one.
Our newest writer, James, has a different opinion of Skyrim.
(He hates it.)
Passionate about his position on the issue, James put together a list of twenty reasons to not live in (or visit or even look at) the gorgeous nation of Skyrim. Ignoring the general disapproval of everyone he knows, James managed to convince our editor-in-chief to allow the list's publication.
And so, unfortunately, here are the
(He hates it.)
Passionate about his position on the issue, James put together a list of twenty reasons to not live in (or visit or even look at) the gorgeous nation of Skyrim. Ignoring the general disapproval of everyone he knows, James managed to convince our editor-in-chief to allow the list's publication.
And so, unfortunately, here are the
Top 20 Reasons Not To Live In Skyrim
- Dragons regularly destroy everything you love.
- Public racism is perfectly normal.
- Powerful widespread assassin guild kills people every day.
- Assassinations cost less than horses.
- Drunk mages will blow up your town.
- Someone will put a basket on your head and render you blind for the next 12 hours.
- Bards can't hold a beat for their lives.
- A civil war will rip your family in half.
- You can't rely on basic physics.
- Some son of a milkdrinker will swagger into your town, send your friends, family, kids and livestock soaring over a nearby cliff/waterfall using only his/her voice, then steal everything you own and ride away on your horse.
- Soft, ambient music will play over everything you do. EVERYTHING.
- Free speech gets you killed.
- Evil, godlike demons love to mess up your life.
- Adventuring will result in ambush, a crippling arrow wound, and a new job as a city guard.
- Marriage is very rarely for true love, and more about healthy meals and the I-Set-Up-This-Shop-In-Our-Home-Deal-With-It Store profits.
- Coming within 10 meters of someone will always start a ridiculously boring conversation about potatoes and war.
- Dead bodies scattered across Skyrim, stripped of everything and naked become increasingly common throughout your stay...someone mentioned a "Dragon Born"...
- Calming nature hikes will eventually end with 800 pounds of savage, roaring bear in your face.
- Strangers force you to do THEIR work for 6 hours with no break and pay you half of minimum wage in carrots when you're done.
- When you are inevitably killed, some arsehole will catch it on video, shoot you a few more times, strip your corpse of all worldly possessions (including your great-great-grandmother's diamond ring that had been passed down for generations), drag your limp, abused, dead body to the edge of a cliff, hurl it, laughing, into the abyss, then upload the damn footage to YouTube and get famous.
Disclaimer
Article is entirely a work of fiction (though based in half-truths, logic, and cynicism). Author (me--I'm James, what's up) does NOT hate Skyrim; he just hasn't played it in a while, but still loves it.






























