Saturday, 31 March 2012

The Top 20 Reasons Not To Live In Skyrim

Visit Skyrim...and let Skyrim visit you.

Isn't it just amazing? Skyrim, RPG, Xbox, PS3, gaming, Skyrim Online, Gaming, Video Games, Online Gaming, Future  Pixel

The northern lands of Tamriel, known collectively as Skyrim, are beautiful. From rolling hills to towering mountains, lush forests, to rippling plains, lazy rivers to roaring waterfalls, everyone finds their own heaven-on-Nirn somewhere in this stunning, diverse nation.



Except for one.

Our newest writer, James, has a different opinion of Skyrim.
(He hates it.)


Passionate about his position on the issue, James put together a list of twenty reasons to not live in (or visit or even look at) the gorgeous nation of Skyrim. Ignoring the general disapproval of everyone he knows, James managed to convince our editor-in-chief to allow the list's publication.
And so, unfortunately, here are the


Top 20 Reasons Not To Live In Skyrim

Skyrim, RPG, Xbox, PS3, gaming, Skyrim Online, Gaming, Video Games, Online Gaming, Future  Pixel
  1. Dragons regularly destroy everything you love. 
  2. Public racism is perfectly normal.
  3. Powerful widespread assassin guild kills people every day.
  4. Assassinations cost less than horses.
  5. Drunk mages will blow up your town.
  6. Someone will put a basket on your head and render you blind for the next 12 hours.
  7. Bards can't hold a beat for their lives.
  8. A civil war will rip your family in half.
  9. You can't rely on basic physics.
  10. Some son of a milkdrinker will swagger into your town, send your friends, family, kids and livestock soaring over a nearby cliff/waterfall using only his/her voice, then steal everything you own and ride away on your horse.
  11. Soft, ambient music will play over everything you do. EVERYTHING.
  12. Free speech gets you killed.
  13. Evil, godlike demons love to mess up your life.
  14. Adventuring will result in ambush, a crippling arrow wound, and a new job as a city guard.
  15. Marriage is very rarely for true love, and more about healthy meals and the I-Set-Up-This-Shop-In-Our-Home-Deal-With-It Store profits.
  16. Coming within 10 meters of someone will always start a ridiculously boring conversation about potatoes and war.
  17. Dead bodies scattered across Skyrim, stripped of everything and naked become increasingly common throughout your stay...someone mentioned a "Dragon Born"...
  18. Calming nature hikes will eventually end with 800 pounds of savage, roaring bear in your face.
  19. Strangers force you to do THEIR work for 6 hours with no break and pay you half of minimum wage in carrots when you're done.
  20. When you are inevitably killed, some arsehole will catch it on video, shoot you a few more times, strip your corpse of all worldly possessions (including your great-great-grandmother's diamond ring that had been passed down for generations), drag your limp, abused, dead body to the edge of a cliff, hurl it, laughing, into the abyss, then upload the damn footage to YouTube and get famous.



    Disclaimer

    Article is entirely a work of fiction (though based in half-truths, logic, and cynicism). Author (me--I'm James, what's up) does NOT hate Skyrim; he just hasn't played it in a while, but still loves it.
    Article refers to The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, created by Bethesda Game Studios and published by ZeniMax Media. Don't sue us. Thanks.



    12 comments:

    1. I used to think of 20 reasons not to live in Skyrim....but then I took an arrow in the knee.

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. I used to make arrow to the knee jokes...but then I moved out of Skyrim and back to Cyrodiil.

        Delete
      2. i used to move out to Cyrodiil from Skyrim.... . . . . but then i manned up and stopped playing videogames

        Delete
      3. i used to make arrow to the knee jokes...but then i got laid

        Delete
      4. Sounds like it happened just the one time for you. Sorry to hear that.

        Delete
    2. Then why bother to comment on a gaming blog.

      You obviously have enough free time to waste, so maybe it would be better spent playing the games you seem to dislike to much.

      doesn't sound like you "manned up" at all.

      ReplyDelete
    3. OHHHHHHHH Gamerforlife just slammed the shit outta your mama!

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. Welcome to the internet...home of the worst of the worst.

        Delete
    4. SomeGuyOnInternets6 April 2012 at 18:40

      And now, for some constructive feed back: Nice article! Very funny! I'm now going to do everything in this list :D

      ReplyDelete
    5. All of these reasons are what make Skyrim one of the most fun places to live in all the fictional universes around! Also if you have to worry about reasons 1,2,3,5,6,8,10,12,13,18, & 20 then you are just a weak ass,lazy,little noob bitch that needs get tossed over a cliff yourself and stop whining about what others have no problems with overcoming.

      BTW.. Only self-conscious retarded losers with mommy issues go on the net and tell gamers that if they stop playing video games they will somehow 'man up'.

      ReplyDelete

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